I'm going to Popcorn's orange house for New Year's Eve! Hurray!

XXXXOO

My most hated criticism scribbled by English teachers on junior high school essay assignments: "Too wordy." Not that the criticism was inaccurate. It seems I just don't like the word, "wordy." It makes me think, "Of course it's wordy, it's language!" I'll take verbose any day.

Merry Solstice, suckers.

Mary lent me a nice children's book called, Morning, Noon, and Night: Poems To Fill Your Day selected by Sharon Taberski and illustrated by Nancy Doniger (c) 1996 Mondo Publishing . Here are some of the poems I like in this collection.


Lunchbox


They always

End up

Fighting --


The soft

Square

Sandwich,


The round

Heavy

Apple.

- by Valerie Worth


Pencils

Every word in your
pencil
is fearless Ready to walk
the blue tightrope lines
Ready
to teeter and smile
down Ready to come right out
and show you
thinking!

- by Barbara Juster Esbensen

Cat Kisses

Sandpaper kisses
on a cheek or a chin --
that is the way
for a day to begin!

Sandpaper kisses --
a cuddle, a purr.
I have an alarm clock
that's covered with fur.

- by Bobbi Katz

Shrinkie the Bear says,

Just what you needed: Another goddamn opportunity to grow.

Dear Inkblot,

You were right. Sorry I got mad earlier. That brand new book with the pristine cover did deserve to get clawed. You're always right and should be worshipped.

Me

Back when Fergie-Dog lived with me, she had the strange habit of sleeping with her eyes wide open. She looked pretty dead when she did this. Usually when I came home from work, my key in the lock would wake her up. On rare occasions when I came home, she would fail to wake up. I would gasp thinking she was dead and rush over to her. At that point she would wake up surprised. For some reason it took several instances of this happening before I learned not to assume she was dead. Now it's kind of a fond memory, but, damn, that takes a lot out of you.

After harboring guilt feelings for years about not being a member of the ACLU, I finally joined the other day. I didn't realize membership is only $20. That's fifteen bucks cheaper than the Sierra Club, if memory serves.

My great grampy J.H. Ryckman was one of the co-founders of the Southern California ACLU along with Upton Sinclair. According to my grandma, J.H. was born into indentured servitude and escaped. Can't verify this though. The story is that his ma fled the Irish Potato famine and went into indentured servitude in the U.S., so I guess it's possible he was born into it. Nevertheless, the guy had a feeling or two about civil liberties. A toast to you, James Harvey! I'm hanging onto your very red, Socialist Party card. I suck compared to you.

Couldn't you look at pictures of mudmen all day long?

Asaro Mudmen of New Guinea Link 1
Asaro Mudmen of New Guinea Link 2
Asaro Mudmen of New Guinea Link 3
Asaro Mudmen of New Guinea Link 4
Asaro Mudmen of New Guinea Link 5
Asaro Mudmen of New Guinea Link 6
Asaro Mudmen of New Guinea Link 7
Asaro Mudmen of New Guinea Link 8
Asaro Mudmen of New Guinea Link 9
Asaro Mudmen of New Guinea Link 10
Asaro Mudmen of New Guinea Link 11
Asaro Mudmen of New Guinea Link 12
Asaro Mudmen of New Guinea Link 13
Asaro Mudmen of New Guinea Link 14
Asaro Mudmen of New Guinea Link 15
Asaro Mudmen of New Guinea Link 16
Asaro Mudmen of New Guinea Link 17
Asaro Mudmen of New Guinea Link 18
Asaro Mudmen of New Guinea Link 19

"I would say pure yes."
-kid being interviewed on NPR

Didn't even have to use my A.K.

Formerly crabby patrons left the Biomed library smiling and saying, "Mun Mun, you're the best." Professor TooBusy helped Mun Mun figure out a better theoretical framework for her social science methodology paper. Fancy coffee drinks were consumed. Shoes felt comfortable. Decent parking spaces were found. Saw a kid riding a unicycle down Mississippi Ave. and came home to a message from special, new friend T.K. It was a good day.

Shrinkie the Bear says,

It would be advisable to quit almost hitting pedestrians in crosswalks with your big, fat car.

Mun Mun loves a good nature walk, but loathes hiking where one has to cross streams and climb rocks and shit. A couple of years ago on a trip to Maine, Margaret kind of tricked me into climbing Cadillac mountain with her and her friends. It was a stumpy mountain and I made it all the way without too much difficulty, but I was pissed off at the time. Smart of her to do this with her chums around, so I wouldn't complain too much. Don't ever do this to Mun Mun. You will not be so lucky.

Nevertheless, you should pre-order Margaret's new book from Amazon. I'm sure it will be a hoot. A hoot chock full of interesting natural history facts, that is.

While flipping through Stedman's Medical Dictionary today, I saw a photo of a condition called "Hairy tongue." And you thought you had problems...

Bugger it

Stupid USA. NBC says Ohio is going to Bush, but Kerry hasn't conceded. I'm going to bed.

Margaret found out about a recent German law for descendants of persecuted Jews. It might be time to reclaim my

German citizenship.

I think all the guys from the Dritten Reich are dead by now. Who is more annoying--Germans or Americans?

Have you ever noticed that the bees that live near the picnic tables at Will Rogers State Park are total assholes?

Half-conscious thoughts--
1.I wonder what ever happened to the guy that played Fredo in the Wizard of Oz.
2.Cinnamon motive. Are you with that?

Conscious thoughts--
1.I used to feel guilty for calling him an effete bore behind his back, but I don't anymore.
2.You'll always be my secret password.

So, a friend from school invites me to a history-of-science lecture and free dinner at the faculty club because an archivist at the Biomed library invited him. The archivist has a display at the club with books about malaria from two hundred years ago or whatever.

So, the first thing we do is get our name tags and slap them on our jackets. We go over to the display of books and what happens? Somehow my name tag falls off my jacket and flutters sticky side down on top of some ancient manuscript. Holy fucking christ! The thing has my name on it for all to see! There is this skinny piece of plastic keeping the book open to a certain page. Thank god, the sticker landed just right on the plastic, so I was able to remove it without ripping the page. The archivist was eyeing me from across the room wondering what the hell I was doing with my fingers in the book. I 'fessed up later. Oy vey.

Attention: Sushi Packagers of America

You can stop including that little piece of fake grass in the sushi boxes now.

If you've been to a handful of children's birthday parties in the last ten years, you are probably aware of this odd trend of adding the words "Cha cha cha" after every line of the Birthday Song. This seems to happen at places where cheap, teenage labor is doing the entertainment. It does add some fun spice to the song and I like it because it diverts attention from any out-of-tune singing I might be doing. In fact, I think we ought to add "Cha cha cha" to a lot more songs, namely Amazing Grace and the Star Spangled Banner.

Newsflash: Cats not psychic

You know how people say pets can predict or sense earthquakes before they happen? A couple of months ago, I was lying in bed with my cats on a weekend morning. We were all completely languid. A small earthquake occurred, not very strong, but we felt a jolt. Milo and Inkblot definitely did not know about the earthquake beforehand. They were a bit freaked afterwards though. I won't depend on them to let me know the big one's coming.

This pageant about L.Ron Hubbard

sounds totally funny. It has some kicky songs about E-meters and other crazy dianetics stuff sung by 12-year-olds.

Dreamed I was spooning with my late Fergie-dog last night. Sigh.

I think the world could use a good, transgender rap star at this point in time.

Last night I ate an egg salad sandwich made with mayonaise that's been (after being opened) in my refrigerator for approximately two years. I still seem to be alive.

Have you ever noticed that Liam Neeson bears a striking resemblance to Alice the Goon?

Whew! I finally bought a new computer (another Mac) today. Suddenly life is a lot less buggy. My first laptop! My first CD/DVD burner! Welcome to the Aughts. I'm a late adopter.

I wish cars had a special "U" shaped light in the back that could use to indicate when you are about to make a U-Turn.

Shrinkie the Bear says:

Your gutlessness is almost entertaining to watch.

Most of us are familiar with the Chinese proverb/blessing, "May you live in uninteresting times," which I think is meant to suggest people are happiest when they aren't faced with a lot of conflict and upheaval.

I have a message for you:
May you date uninteresting men.

Kicked in the Taco
by Frank Black

Today at the New Morocco
I got kicked in the taco
All I saw were stars
Say, it's a bit nightmarish
From here to Albondigas Parish
Underneath the stars
Hey, I got kicked in the taco
There's a brewing sirroco
On the planet of Mars
And from me, you got my message of love
You got my message
You got my message of love

Haloscan lost half the comments on this blog. How vexing.

I've been painting my apartment all weekend and listening to all my Frank Black CDs over and over. My favorite song this weekend is "Kicked in the Taco" off of the Cult of Ray album.

I'm still trying to get over Vitor Belfort's disappointing loss to Randy Couture in UFC 49.

Heard our former poet laureate read this on a repeat of The Prairie Home Companion yesterday.[Feb. 2002 issue of Poetry, http://www.creekcats.com/pnprice/winegoblet.html]

Litany
By Billy Collins

You are the bread and the knife,
The crystal goblet and the wine...
-Jacques Crickillon

You are the bread and the knife,
the crystal goblet and the wine.
You are the dew on the morning grass
and the burning wheel of the sun.
You are the white apron of the baker,
and the marsh birds suddenly in flight.

However, you are not the wind in the orchard,
the plums on the counter,
or the house of cards.
And you are certainly not the pine-scented air.
There is just no way that you are the pine-scented air.

It is possible that you are the fish under the bridge,
maybe even the pigeon on the general's head,
but you are not even close
to being the field of cornflowers at dusk.

And a quick look in the mirror will show
that you are neither the boots in the corner
nor the boat asleep in its boathouse.

It might interest you to know,
speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,
that I am the sound of rain on the roof.

I also happen to be the shooting star,
the evening paper blowing down an alley
and the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.

I am also the moon in the trees
and the blind woman's tea cup.
But don't worry, I'm not the bread and the knife.
You are still the bread and the knife.
You will always be the bread and the knife,
not to mention the crystal goblet and--somehow--the wine.

If Inkblot were a Prohibition era gangster, her name would be Stompy McFluff.It's hard to hold a tommy gun with tiny paws. Milo is Scarface at the moment because of the goddamn cat next door.

Wonder of the World

On the bottom right hand corner
of the L.A. Times around three years ago
was a picture of a stone fist
thought to be part of the Colossus of Rhodes,
the golden statue that once overlooked the Minoan Harbor

Fumbling around for a seat belt
when I was seventeen,
my knuckles brushed against yours in the white volkswagen
and I wished you would take me to the fox hills motel
rather than straight home
but your eyes revealed no interest

Last night your knuckles brushed
my knee as you knelt before the couch where
we were all discussing electromagnetic radiation
and the cancer clusters associated
with high power lines and telephone transformers
and you said good-bye again

If nothing else, I love your voice,
your flop sweats, and your dissatisfaction

I haven't heard anything since
about that lost wonder of the world
They never discovered the rest of it
But something stirs in my mind
when I think of that tense hand
with those giant white knuckles
against the floor of the Aegean Sea
clenched for centuries,
just waiting to open

The chanteuse reminds the back-up band, "Dynamics, boys."

The Face Behind the Face

Where does it live, the face behind the face?
Everyone ought
To know all that there is
About the face that is his.

People often haven't a clue
About their very own I.
Each of us makes his own
Best defense counsel.

Nero, apparently, thought
He was a poet.
Hitler thought that he
Would redeem the world from woe!

The mean man thinks: "I am so generous."
The shallow man: "I am profound."
Sometimes God will sigh: "I am a worm."
The worm hisses: "I am God!"

The worms climb arrogantly upwards.
The coward rejoices to be in the clouds.
Only the free man
Thinks:
"I am a slave."

--Yevgeny Yevtushenko

From the collection, The Face Behind the Face published by Marion Boyars Publishers Ltd.

Quoting from the Frank M. Guide To Sarcasm in Parenting

The other day I took my nephew and two other kids to a water slide park. In the car, they were discussing how, if you use a Play Station or Gameboy for a long time, your hand starts to hurt. I felt compelled to chime in with, "It's a tough life!"

The school needs extra room and you've found an old house nearby to renovate. It turns out the house is haunted by the ghost of a developmentally disabled little boy with spectacles. As poltergeists go, he is a particularly big pain in the ass. For instance, when he sees you turn on the burner of the stove, he brings in the garden hose to put it out. The house is a mess. There are big chunks that have come out of the door frames and broken glass is everywhere.

Even that ghost says you keep staring at me.

All the condoms have expired.

Shrinkie the Bear says:
Quit imbuing everything with meaning.

I had become a little obsessed with figuring out what a certain piece of cheesy yet oddly compelling music was. I first heard it when I was watching part of the bad John F. Kennedy Jr. story TV movie. Then, it was used in a PBS promo.I tried describing it to people, but no one could tell me what it was and I couldn't find any clues on the web. Last night it played at the end of the "Bourne Supremacy" and it turns out it's called "Extreme Ways" by Moby. What a relief.

One day the coat of Princess Meow-Meow is going to make a fine pair of mittens, especially if she keeps tearing up the carpet like she's been doing.

Here's a couple of ideas:

1)Hook all the fitness equipment in gyms across America up to power generators and let exercisers add to the power grid.

2)Scratch n' sniff Advent calendars.

I need to learn the die cutting business.

Metastasis

You know when they were testing the atom bomb in New Mexico in the 1950's and the movie crew from The Conqueror was filming nearby
They didn't realize there were all these neutron particles released in the explosions
that got into people's bodies and just hammered away
on their bones and tissues for decades, so the cells mutated and spread
The entire cast eventually died of cancer including John Wayne.
I'm one of those particles. Hammering away. It's a long half life, baby.

Shrinkie the Bear says,

Don't be trippin'.

Shrinkie the Bear says:
 
May I recommend the sand dabs?

Student Creed


To build true confidence through knowledge in the mind, honesty in the heart, and strength in the body.

To keep friendship with one another, and to build a strong and happy community.

Never fight to achieve selfish ends, but to develop Might for Right.

Grandmaster Jhoon Rhee

My most newly coined suggestion:

Ogle globally. Scam locally.

Bumper sticker spotted yesterday:

Bush in '04
Draft in '05

Went with Pops and JC on a road trip the other week to Monterey, Santa Rosa, and San Francisco. At the Golden Dragon restaurant in San Francisco, all our fortune cookies told us "You will elect a new U.S. President 2004." I think there is a little power of suggestion going on with these cookies.

I spotted Garrison Keillor heading into the Peanuts museum as we were heading out. Charles Schultz was a Minnesota native too. Hmmm.

JC strong-armed me into playing Marco Polo with him. I had never played that game before. It's kind of stressful. When we first started, in my zeal to escape, I slipped through the railing of the stairs leading into the pool and in essence caused my nephew to bump into the stairs and and hit his head on the railing. Why am I such an asshole?

Vengeful Chicken Disease

I have Vengeful Chicken Disease. It's the disease you get when you plot revenge for years and are too chicken to execute the plan. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Did I never tell you about the Heinous Dog-Kicking Incident of 2001? I didn't?

One score and sixteen months ago, Mun brought forth a great dog from Pasadena: a 13 year old, arthritic sweet pea who was orphaned when my grandmother died. I can imagine if you didn't know Fergie, she might look like the type of dog that has a mean temper. She resembled a cross between a German Shepherd and a coyote. She was in fact an utterly harmless love-bomb who even got along with my cats.

One of the toughest things about taking care of Fergie for me was the early morning walking required. Usually at 6:00 am or so, she would let me know she needed to go out. I am not a morning person. The last thing I feel like doing the split second I wake up is going out of my apartment and interacting with my neighbors.

One of these groggy early mornings, Fergie was very stiff and we started our walk. One stretch of the sidewalk on my block feels rather narrow because on one side there is a wall and on the other, some thick bushes instead of grass. In the middle of this stretch, I saw a tall, old man with a baseball cap and very straight posture coming toward us rapidly.

I tried to move Fergie to the side, but couldn't do it very quickly because her hip dysplasia made her susceptible to falling. Also, with the bushes, there was nowhere to go. The man did not slow down or make any effort to go around us. Fergie moved her snout slightly forward to sniff him, but not in a threatening manner. I was shocked when he proceeded to kick the decrepit dog out of the way. Once she was out of his way he stopped and smiled an evil fucking smile at me, and for no reason, kicked her again.

I was so stunned I basically had no fitting reaction and the man disappeared. For an old man, he was in pretty good shape and had given Fergie a couple of medium strength kicks in the ribs. The anger slowly worked its way up in me so that it reached a fever pitch a few hours later. I vowed that if I ever saw the man again I would follow him, find out where he lived, and exact revenge.

I had several revenge fantasies. Spell "Asshole" in dog crap on his lawn. Beat him repeatedly with a baseball bat and bust his kneecaps.

Dicky Bird at work suggested I instead spell "Asshole" in gasoline on his lawn and light it on fire. Or put popcorn in his muffler and other tricks out of the book Getting Even.

Part of me wanted the old man to undergo a kind of punishment that would not only make him suffer, but would also somehow transform him into a person that is nice to dogs. However, I couldn't stop fixating on punishments involving dog shit and baseball bats.

Unfortunately the next time I saw the man, I was walking Fergie and couldn't get her home in time to start the pursuit.

I saw him yet again months later, but in typical gutless fashion, I was in a hurry to go somewhere and merely muttered "Asshole" at him. If he's hard of hearing, he probably didn't even hear me. But the plotting of vengeance continued.

I envisioned many bashings with a tire iron. Many ninja style fuckings up of his car and home. Bags of dog shit set aflame on his porch.

After a year and a half, Fergie couldn't stand up by herself anymore and I had to put her to sleep. Another two years past and I didn't see the old man walking...until recently when I got another chance.

Yes, it was the same dog kicking motherfucker with a baseball cap and stiff posture who looked like he could have been a former CEO or vice president of an insurance company. The timing was perfect. I was just about to get in my car and go to work.

But instead I tailed him for twenty-five minutes. He walked and walked. Head home you creepy fuck! Finally he disappeared into a nice house on a street lined with blooming jacaranda trees literally two blocks away from my apartment.

I've got loose lips. If you're ever plotting something really rotten and devious that can never be revealed I recommend not telling me. I can usually keep other people's secrets under my hat for a few years max. Eventually it comes out, like shrapnel comes out of survivors' skin years after a bombing.

I happened to mention this little saga to my co-worker, Albert, who apparently has the kind of twisted mind that is able to come up with diabolical scenarios of poetic justice. You simply input the variables and the solution pops out like a gumball:

Blind the old man.

That way a) He suffers and b) He may end up getting a seeing-eye dog.

Okay, it's not foolproof, but it's good. (Unless he ends up being mean to the seeing-eye dog.Or his potentially innocent family members pay the price of having to provide 24 hour care for this person they know is basically a nazi. And think of the poor social workers and nurses who will have to interact with him...Shut up, damned conscience!)

Alas, if I were now to go through with the bludgeoning, I've chatted about the whole thing with too many people to get away with it.

But if I merely suggest to the general public that it would be fine by me if someone threw lye in the eyes of the old man that lives at 25xx Greenfield*, would I be culpable in any way? Could I be charged with conspiracy to commit mayhem?

What if I merely invited you to let your dog relieve itself repeatedly on the lawn at 25xx Greenfield Avenue? In fact, feel free to deposit all your dog feces at 25xx Greenfield. That's 25xx Greenfield Avenue.

...I will wait over here for you.

*I  'X'd out the address on 7-26-04 just in case one of you turns coo coo.

With apologies to Samuel Johnson

Shrinkie the Bear says:

Masturbation is the last refuge of the procrastinator.

I love orangutans. Forget that "Any Which Way But Loose" propaganda that made them look like fools. Orangutans are deep. They say orangutans are going to go extinct in the next fifteen years or so. Part of the problem, besides environmental destruction, is that females only can have about four babies in a lifetime. If there are any secret experiments to make test tube orangutans and implant them in human surrogates to carry in order to add to the population, I might like to volunteer. The only problem is I would probably be followed around by the National Enquirer and called the Monkey Woman. But maybe if enough people did it, I would just be a drop in the bucket and go unnoticed. Also, even if the mechanics could work, would a female in the wild be willing to adopt? And would I be able to give up the baby? Maybe it could live here in the trees at Rancho Park.

Another boring celeb encounter memory: OJ Simpson opened the door for me and Scott A. at In&Out Burger a few years ago. He's quite courteous for a psychopathic killer.

The L.A. Times had a picture of Reagan's family embracing today. (It reminded me of this time Ron Reagan Jr. jumped in front of my car. He should really look both ways when crossing the street.)

It's hard to understand why people were so ga-ga over Prez Reagan. I could never get past his glib "Seen one redwood, seen 'em all" statement. Someone on a website I was browsing commented that the way lumber companies are cutting redwoods down, pretty soon that statement will be true...because so few redwoods will be left. Waah.

I came across this

Rather Enjoyable Blog

while querying Google for "the Whether Underground."

Has anyone heard of any love-in style anti-war demonstrations? I believe in multi-tasking when it comes to activism. I bet the prospect of making out with complete strangers would motivate a lot of peaceniks to get their butts off the sofa. Perhaps a Hug-In would be less intimidating? Possible slogans: Get It On For Peace, Supervixens and Awesome Dudes For Peace. Loriver suggested forming a giant human peace sign with exchanges of massaging on a massive scale. Remind me to suggest this to ACLU Singles or something.

SLA

My friend, Neal, from school, has recently become co-president of the student chapter of the SLA (Special Libraries Association). It seems logical that the first order of business should be to kidnap an heiress and brainwash her into barcoding books with us. Her barcode scanner laser won't really be operational, but we'll get a good picture of her holding it. I may have to form a Whether Underground if the SLA's methods aren't extremist enough. We will start planting love bombs;maybe start ambushing helpful public servants with flowers or something. In reality, Mun Mun is far too lazy and self-involved to engage in such activities.

Saw a documentary recently on PBS about the real Weather Underground. I never knew how good lookin' those nut jobs were.

Al-Kinda

There's nothing like the web to remind you of how unoriginal your thoughts are. I was daydreaming about writing a comedy about a loan shark or someone who hires little kids to exact punishments because they can get away with more stuff as juvenile offenders. I somehow got to thinking about a band lovable, screw-ups that are would-be terrorists and the title of the movie would be Al-Kinda. Of course, I look up Al-Kinda in Google and get a billion hits...

Pangea Ultima

The next bad disaster movie? I don't know why this never occurred to me, but apparently in a zillion years the continents will drift back into each other again. They've already named the future supercontinent Pangea Ultima.

http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2000/ast06oct_1.htm

I'm thinking about moving to Monterey, CA sometime. If you know anybody that knows anybody that works at CSUMB or the Monterey Institute of Int'l Studies, let me know.

My co-worker, Loriver, says she has started using "wherein" every chance she gets in emails. I noticed since I've been in grad school, I'm using "the aforementioned" like nobody's business. I don't think I ever used "the aforementioned" before. See if you can work the word, "heuristic" into a conversation today and I'll give you ten points.

Shrinkie the Bear says:

Stop telegraphing your punches, stupid.

Due to the influence of Safety Neal, I am slowly turning into a map nerd. I was going through a tutorial at the library for this software program called ArcGIS. Interestingly the map example used in the tutorial plots the planned and actual course of Amelia Earhart's last flight. It reminded me of an article I read in the L.A. Times a few months ago about a theory that Amelia Earhart's last flight around the world was kind of a front for a reconaissance mission she was doing for the military to check out Japanese military installations on islands in the Pacific ocean.

One of the theories is that she and her navigator got shot down by the Japanese or crash-landed and were imprisoned as spies. Some folks think she survived and was freed after World War II and changed her identity. Apparently there was this mysterious woman, Irene Bonham, who looked like her. It sounds like a lot of this is bunk, but I like the idea that she was secretly doing spy stuff.

Around second or third grade, I had to do a report on a woman pioneer of some sort. I think we were presented with a small number of books at the school library to choose from and I probably chose Earhart after seeing an episode of "In Search Of" about her. I remember finding it hard to get into writing about her even though she was held up to us as a female role model. I think there was a nagging feeling in the back of my tiny subconscious that thought, "Isn't there a female aviator that wasn't a fuck-up to write about? She was trying to fly around the world and failed." I know Earhart broke a few records and succeeded in many flying missions, but it sucked that she didn't quite have the hero stature of Charles Lindbergh. Just imagine if the only astronaut little boys had to identify with was Gus Grissom who died in a fire on one of the Apollo missions. Y'know?

I wish the book I read in elementary school had floated the theory that she was on a secret, dangerous mission for the USA. Maybe my kid mind couldn't have even processed that kind of subtlety. Maybe I was too predisposed to hero-worship. I wonder who girls are looking up to these days (besides Britney Spears.)

I haven't really had the stomach to read much about the 26-year-old that got beheaded in Iraq. However, I realize why Kermit Roosevelt was on my mind yesterday.Occasionally these civilian "businessmen" and "embassy workers" in foreign countries are actually CIA agents doing crummy things.Y'know -overthrowing or murdering popularly elected presidents like Allende and Mossadeq (sp?).

What a mess Bush has got us into. I hope that little kids who are watching all this horror on TV will grow up not wanting to start wars.

So, is the "Get Your War On" guy only publishing in Rolling Stone now? Bummer. Or is he just being lazy?

For some reason, whenever I try to retrieve the name Kermit Roosevelt from my memory banks (he was the CIA guy who organized a coup in Iran in 1953), it always comes to me as Felix Rockefeller.

To free associate further- when I was a kid, my father taught at UCLA. However, UCLA must not have been as well-funded back then because there was a piece of big graffiti in the parking lot 3 tunnel that said "Stinky Felix" and it only got painted over after standing about ten years. We always kind of liked Stinky Felix. If "Stinky Felix" ever reappears there, I might have had something to do with it...Only maybe it will say Stinky Felix Rockefeller.

Too much scary badness in the news lately. I will now retreat to my happy place.

Here's a little known fact. Watch the documentary "Nazi Prison Escape"about the English POWs held at Colditz Castle during World War II. THEN watch "Chicken Run" and it will become five thousand times funnier. Do what I say.

KBO

RedFive and I were talking about things that date us. I called MasterCard, MasterCharge well into the 1990's until this young whippersnapper at a cash register didn't know what the hell I was talking about. "You mean MasterCard???" I've only just gotten used to calling the RTD the MTA. Remember the days before people had answering machines? Did you ever call "The Machine"? It was a kind of dial-a-joke number. I remember calling it a lot during summer boredom in the '70's.

I should be working on term papers. Whole lotta procrastinatin' goin' on.

Shrinkie the Bear says:
No matter. Confidence isn't that becoming on you anyway.

So, almost TWO FUCKING YEARS LATER they found Danilo's tumor.

Half-baked idea number 8,047: A movie about Melvil Dewey and the creation of the Dewey Decimal System framed in the structure of Amadeus. Guess who will be put in the Salieri role? Hee hee. Charles Cutter, whose own subject classification system gets cruelly overlooked when the mad, womanizing genius, Dewey, takes the spotlight away. Of course they work together on the requiem, er, founding of the Library Journal. I can just hear the over-the-top opera score as the drama unfolds. With Johnny Depp as Dewey and William H. Macy as Cutter...

Million dollar idea number 8: Gross-out novelty candy - Gummi Embryos. The junior high kids will love it.

Jesus H.! Pretty stomach-turning abuse of Iraqi prisoners going on, eh? Ach, du lieber Himmel!

Shrinkie the bear says:

Remember we're all very flawed beings.

Dachshund Races

are happening on Margaret and Molly's birthday (July 10th).

http://www.losalamitos.com/laqhr/wienernationals/

Instead of reading my textbooks on subject classification and information retrieval algorithms like I should be doing, I've been reading this fascinating book called The Emperor of Scent by Chandler Burr. It's about this scientist, Luca Turin, who came up with a new theory of what is going on in our noses when we smell. The common belief was that we smelled things based on the shape of the molecule, but he found out smell is derived from the vibration of the molecule. (I'm only half way through the book, so I'm not sure how it turns out) One of the interesting things about this Turin guy is that he has an amazing ability to identify and finely describe smells. So, for instance he can smell a synthetically produced molecule and identify that it smells like a combination of styrofoam and metal. He wrote a perfume guide and describes the various "notes" of the fragrances. It's opening up a whole new world to me: the world of stank.

I've decided for my first assignment in my storytelling class to read Shel Silverstein's The Missing Piece Meets the Big O. Paul gave it to me when I was 12 and he wrote in it "Mun-Sorry about the sensitized metal strip in the front. Don't ever work in a library, or you will discover their true meaning. I think this book is even better than The Missing Piece, and maybe is even his best book of all.Love, Paul, Christmas 1981." I agree it is even better than The Missing Piece. I remember I gave Master Wilkinson a copy of it about ten years ago, but he just joked and pretended I had given him The Story of 'O'. I hope this book isn't too psychoanalytic for kids. I volunteered to read stories to children at the Festival of Books. Eek. Maybe I'll break down and read them The Sneetches by Dr. Seuss instead.

Transcript of a Presentation by Your CEO (3rd Quarter 2002 Report, Fergie Inc.)

Last quarter's numbers are in. These power point charts show doginess has increased 5 % compared to last quarter.You have met your doginess goals. The quality of overall snugliness has improved according to a customer satisfaction survey conducted by the independent consulting firm of Milo Marketing Group.

Pee and poo poo turnaround time have held steady. Operations went full steam even during the two week hiatus when production of snoodliness was outsourced to Bob and Sue Associates.

The board of directors would like to congratulate Jason H., a leader who has been with the firm for over a year since headquarters moved from Pasadena to Rancho Park. Thanks to Anna L. for bringing new energy and doginess optimization skills to the table. Kudos also go out to Fergie Inc. sucontractors Denise, Rebecca, and Alex H. Give yourselves a big round of applause.

COO Mun M. is committed to reducing the pee smell by the the end of Q4. After the Sod-on-the-Porch Project failed, pee stench was at an all time high. However, with last month's launch of the Wee-Wee-Pad network, the smell has already been reduced according to Jon Carlo Testing Services who report that the office has gone from "reeks" to "kind of smells like pee in here, no offense." We believe with this new technology along with our new partnership with vendor, Carpet Train, who will be providing replacement carpet scraps, we will effectively keep pee smell to a minimum.

A few of you have asked me if there will be Christmas bonuses this year. Though profitability is up from last year, unfortunately we still have a ways to go. I remind you that we did get everyone enrolled in the veterinary insurance program in November and everyone received complimentary tetanus shots at that time. I'll just say it out right. Cash flow could be better. So, no bonuses at this point. However, if revenues increase and fewer citations for night barking are issued, there will be raises in store for top performers in the New Year.

Mun Mun Quiz III (2004)

See comments for answers.

1) Mun's secret nickname for her grandmother's dog, Fergie, was this Tennessee Williams character

a) Blanche
b) "Blue Roses" (Laura's nickname in the Glass Menagerie)
c) Baby Doll
d) Nonno

2) Match the Mittelbach with the character the way Mun would(6 points possible)

a) Sonny ________________ I) Mun
b) Fredo ________________ II) Oge
c) Tom __________________ III) Margaret
d) Michael _______________ IV) Paul
e) Vito __________________ V) Frank
f)Rocko _________________ VI) Fritzie

3) One day Mun went to work at the 'trieve accidentally

a) wearing one white shoe and one black shoe.
b) on Saturday
c) leaving her front door wide open

4) Mun feels that ________ is woefully under-used by society today

a) the wisdom of the elders
b) Yiddish
c) the library system
d) butterscotch

5) Mun's father reached this level of skill using a rifle in the U.S. army

a)Marksman
b) Sharpshooter
c) Expert
d) "Gomer Pyle"

6) Mun's protest sign when she last demonstrated against the war in Iraq read

a) War is bad
b) Honk if you are even mildly attracted to me
c) George W. is a poo poo head
d) Resist the Borg

7) Sadly,Mun has NEVER visited a museum or collection devoted to

a) Der Struwwelpeter (a German children's book from the 1800's)
b) pop-up books
c) cryptozoology
d) Arthur Rackham

8) Mun's favorite elevation is

a) 7,000 feet
b) 5,000 feet
c) Sea level

9) When he is not acting in films or starring on Broadway, Mun's stuffed animal friend, Eeyore, is writing what tome?

a) Donkey Xote
b) Eeyore's Art of War
c) Christopher Robin, Christopher Schmobin
d) What Color Is Your Tail Ribbon?
e) PETSA's Civil Disobedience Handbook (published by People For the Ethical Treatment of Stuffed Animals)

10) What weird thing does Mun NOT do?

a) Drink the brine out of Bubbies Pickle jars
b) Plot her revenge
c) Hold on to unused gift certificates from the 1970's
d) Ask people to walk on her back
e) Make pigeon noises
f) *69 telemarketers and play with their minds

11) When Mun studied at the Carlson Gracie Jiu Jitsu academy, a couple of her fellow students had freakishly appropriate warrior names. Which of the following was NOT among them

a) Attila
b) D'artanien
c) Lancelot

DEPRESSING BONUS QUESTIONS

12) What disease was Mun's nephew, Danilo, NOT misdiagnosed with?

a) acute cerebellar ataxia
b) retinitis pigmentosa
c) adrenoleukodystrophy
d) mitochondrial myopathy

13) Match the soundtrack playing in Mun's head with the death (4 points possible)

a) Grandma ____ I) Broken Bicycles by Tom Waits
b) Mommy ____ II) The Dimming of the Day by Richard Thompson
c) Fergie ______ III) Only the Good Die Young by Billy Joel
d) Fritzie ______ IV) Medley of La Boheme and La Traviata

Your score means:

0-4 Like how Frank Sinatra chastised the woman refusing to join him in a menage a trois, "Come on.Get with it, babe."

5-8 Impressive how you got so many points by randomly guessing. Now guess who's in the running to win a prize. (Hint: Not you)

9-14 Your high score indicates an in depth knowledge of Mun's psyche. How fulfilling this must be for you.

15-19 You are known to blurt out, "Mun Mittelbach is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've met in my entire life."

20-21 Yeah, um, I don't think I want to be this close anymore

April is the cruelest flavor of the month. You can tell her I said so.

Here's a memory from 8th grade. This boy named Morgan asked to borrow my liquid paper in history class. Later in the period it was returned to me, but instead of the label saying "Liquid Paper Correction Fluid," he had meticulously altered it to say, "Squid Raper Erection Fluid." I thought it was rather clever.

Here's last year's quiz-

Mun Mun Quiz II (2003)


1.Mun's childhood arch-enemy was:
a) Matthew
b) Stephanie
c) Lynne
d) Elana
[Last names deleted]

2.Name the location where Mun has NOT thrown up?
a) Ralphs Market in Pasadena
b) The Tioga pass
c) Throughout the Angeles forest
d) The Dorothy Chandler Pavilion orchestra section

3.At around age 4, Mun announced that when she grew up she would marry:

a) Chico Marx
b) Dusty (from Dusty's Treehouse)
c) Javitt, the samoyed dog down the street
d) Dana Andrews (co-star of faved movie "Up In Arms")

4.Sheeba is the name of
a) Mun's computer
b) Mun's late dog
c) Mun's car
d) Mun's unfinished novel

5. Shortly after a 5-day-long visit from Mun and her dad in August, their German hostess:

a) Moved and left no forwarding address
b) Checked herself into rehab
c) Had a small stroke

6. In the classic Bustown Kids tour-de-force, "The Bustown Kids Go to Lake Arrowhead," Josie Kidd gets scared because

a) There is a "running,screaming burglar"
b) Mr. And Mrs. Pilly's son, Ghost Person, appears
c) The posters are running around

7.In Mun's opinion, one of the most underrated films of all time is

a) Bugsy Malone
b) Little Darlings
c) Foxes
d) International Velvet


8. In the last 15 years, the dumbest thing Mun did NOT buy was

a) Vintage spats, one size too small
b) A Dijeridu
c) The Fisher Price Little People parking garage
d) View Master slides of Pee Wee's playhouse
e) Mun bought all of the items above

Note to self: Remember to ask P. if I can borrow his bootleg copy of Smile.

Hurrah, we're all free now

I always leave my screen door propped wide open so my cats can come in and out easily. The other day a hummingbird didn't see the screen and flew right into it. Its beak got stuck in the mesh. I sheltered it from the cats who were too stunned to pounce right away. It freed itself after a second and flew away. I'm embarrassed to say I found its predicament a little amusing. It looked like a something out of a cartoon. That's schadenfreude for you.

Have you ever been watching what you think is Frontline on PBS and the show has the same serious narrator with the chilling voice as Frontline and everything seems like Frontline only at the end it turns out you've been watching Nova? Then, you think, oh, yeah, it's Tuesday night this is Nova. But why did it seem like Frontline? Why don't they just call it Frontline instead of pretending it's Nova?

It's weird now that I have comments on my blog, my rhetorical questions aren't really rhetorical anymore. On the other hand, nobody answers the questions or reads this blog, so I guess they are still rhetorical.

Has anyone tried Jack in the Box's new chicken tacos? If so, please tell me how they compare to their delicious yet horrifyingly greasy beef tacos.

Trader Joe's has beautiful daffodils this week for 99 cents. Daffodils are also poisonous to cats, so I put them on a shelf my cats can't get to. Go buy some, okay?

A Friendly Reminder

Easter is almost here. If you have cats, be aware that Easter Lillies are poisonous to them. For a list of plants toxic to pets, check out this link.

• http://www.furr-angels.com/toxicplants.htm

In Googling myself, I came across an interesting tidbit. There was a Saint Mun in the 5th century who was the nephew of Saint Patrick. He was a hermit who lived on an island called Lough Ree. I'm kind of a hermit too. Maybe I'll be beatified or canonized one day by a religious cult.

I've been having zero thoughts lately yet I feel compelled to post something. So,to prepare you for this year's birthday quiz, here is an old quiz. I'll post the answers another day...

THE MUN MUN QUIZ (2001)

Having never been married, I feel a little left out when re-runs of the Newlywed Game are on. After all, who knows my endearing little quirks? On whose head could I bop a piece of poster board in mock anger and get away with it? Let’s see how well you know the real Mun.

1) When "makin' whoopee," Mun would say it's most like what Graham Greene novel?

a.The Power and the Glory
b.Journey Without Maps
c.The Third Man

2) When Mun titrates the dosage of her pills, she cuts them with:

a. a karate chop
b. her teeth
c. a switchblade

3) Mun's most enticing pickup line is

a. How do I get to the Maori exhibit?
b. Why don't you come over and bust up this
here chiffarobe?
c. Tell me about the voices.

4) When reading her cats' Osho Zen Tarot, Milo chose which card:

a. The Miser (4 of Rainbows)
b. The Source (Ace of Fire)
c. Friendliness (2 of Water)

5) Inkblot chose which tarot card?

a. Politics (7 of Clouds)
b. Understanding (Page of Water)
c. Exhaustion (9 of Fire)

6) Mun is most attacted to

a. Brad Pitt
b. Pierce Brosnan
c. Nathan Lane
d. Keanu Reeves

7) What is NOT a way Mun & Oge like to taunt their sister, Margaret?

a.By chanting, "Where's My Catpin?" over and over under their breaths.
b. By singing clown music whenever Margaret wears a red sweater.
c.By spamming Margaret's inbox with good luck totems and voodoo curses.
[Note:This question had to be tossed out because,unbeknownst to me,it turns out we do all of those things]

8) Mun's favorite Jackie Chan movie (by a hair) is

a. Supercop 2
b. Who Am I?
c. First Strike

9) At Baskin Robbins, Mun is most likely to order

a. a milkshake
b. a banana split
c. an ice cream soda

10)When Mun failed to know the significance of the battle of Dunkirk in World War II, her Uncle Jack was

a.Appalled at her shocking ignorance
b. Shocked at her apalling ignorance
c. Ignorant of her apalling shock

10) What Ultimate Fighting Champion has NOT trained Mun in jiu jitsu?

a. Vitor Belfort
b. John Lewis
c. Ken Shamrock

11) When given a choice of Pixie sticks, Mun will always choose

a.Red and Purple
b.Orange and Green

12) Mun identifies most closely with which Bustown Kid?

a.Fatso Riley
b.General Nixon
c.Greenie Baby
d.Ch'lie the Pig
e.What's a Bustown Kid?

I didn't realize bloggers could add comment links from Haloscan for free. Thanks for the tip, Safety Neal! I know that only about three people ever read this blog. However, if anyone *feels* like adding comments to old postings, I will be checking my backfiles compulsively until something shows up. It'll be like hunting for easter eggs.

The aphasias are in bloom again.

Chicks dig me.

But why don't Chucks?

Instead of doing my homework, I've been thinking about Rumpelstilskin. Why did knowing Rumpelstilskin's name obliterate him? I"ve gotta think about it more, but I bet I can figure it out using a Jungian analysis. That is, consider all the characters as parts of one person's psyche. I'll have to check Bettelheim's "Uses of Enchantment" and see if he talks about it. Rumpelstilskin is one of those fairy tales that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. The king is a real piece of work. He's the kind of superego I can do without.

Holy shit! Have you seen George Harrison's son, Dhani?

I like this website http://www.thememoryhole.org/
I was thinking about taking my nephews to Sea World, but maybe I'll stick to Legoland. Check out the site index for Sea World and see the horrific result of whales colliding during a show.

When I was a kid, I remember seeing people on TV shows who cried when they were happy. I remember thinking that was really weird. Somewhere along the line, and I don't know when or how, I became one of those people. This morning, Oge said Danilo was walking around by himself carrying three things in his hands. This makes me very happy.

The cats blame me for the rain.

I was thinking about my nephew's former neurologist last night and how her misdiagnosis had us believing D. might end up permanently blind, deaf, and physically and mentally disabled and led to a lack of treatment for another year after the first hospital's misdiagnosis. I know it would be illegal to make a threat such as, "I'm going to blow your head off." But how about, "I feel like blowing your fucking head off"? Is that okay?

Aren't you glad Mun Mun doesn't own guns? (In reality Mun Mun doesn't advocate violence)

I've spent the last few days writing a paper about strategic planning for a management class I'm taking. It gives me the idea of hiring a corporate facilitator to come to my birthday party and have everybody do SWOT analysis and strategic planning for their lives. Maybe I'll make the facilitator wear a clown nose. I wonder how much a facilitator costs.

It's my nephew's second day on injected medication to treat his opsoclonus myoclonus syndrome. Poor Oge has to practice plunging a syringe into a potato.

Grad school is really cutting into my reality TV viewing. However, I did catch The Apprentice this week. After years of reading Spy Magazine's monthly trashing of Donald Trump, my attitude towards the guy was pretty negative.

Around 1989 or 1990 I had the most delightful experience ice skating at the outdoor Wollman Rink in Central Park. Instrumental George Gershwin music was playing and the skates had great ankle support (unlike the crappy 50 year old skates they rent in Culver City.) It turns out it was Donald Trump who restored the rink sometime in the 80's and runs it. It is now my (barely informed) opinion that Donald Trump is the Bomb. I also like how he doesn't accept rudeness on that TV show. I still think Trump Tower looks like one of Saddam Hussein's tacky palaces with all that pink marble. Oh, well. You can't win 'em all.

This one's an oldie, but an okayie circa 1993. Boy, was I ever wrong about the second line...

Grandma's Dogs

Have another cinammon imperial.
Grandma's dogs' deaths don't affect me like they used to.
Probably because I've grown not to love them.
Penny was the one she put to sleep for fighting with Sony.
She was a fat half dalmation that could climb a seven foot fence.
Did my mother keep it a secret from me for a while, I can't remember? Yes, I overheard her somehow and cried for a week.
Pip. That was my sister's hamster that my mother replaced with another when he suddenly died of shock. I remember his frozen body lying outside the cage. We thought maybe he escaped and the cats scared him to death. Margaret was not fooled by the switcheroo.

I was a little happy when my Grandma picked me up from Westwood elementary on Fridays because she would bring two or three of her five glamorous dogs that all the kids who were not my friends yearned to pet before she brought me home and followed my mother around our house, helping her make the bed and talking at her as my mother did housework and said Mm hm.

In my entire twenty five years as an Angeleno I've never been a victim of crime except once when someone stole my magnifying glass from my Seventh Grade English display about Sherlock Holmes mysteries.
Not my best friend, Stephanie, nor the two bitchy girls who came to see what was the matter could understand why I had become hysterical.

My family. We have so, so little.We can't take such losses and my mother knows it all too well.

Every single good thing that could happen to a black man is happening tomorrow
I've been dreaming about good things coming to Los Angeles: snow, Monty Python, but that's nothing in comparison
We'll start by collecting the tiger butter from the base of the tree and putting it on our pancakes
You'll walk through Westwood alone without being stopped once by the cops
And when you exit stores, you'll have to announce, "I'm through shopping everyone!" or no one will notice.
Those purple blotches on your back will go away and the bank will give you a loan to produce a jazz CD
Your unbelievably dysfunctional family will transform into clean & sober, non child-molesting Puritans with a penchant for book learning
They'll have lost all spirituality and rhythm, but you can live without that

I guess the slavery-poverty-discrimination chicken came first before the egg
But damnit you're a brand new egg
and the chicken is being slaughtered tomorrow

I wonder how it would feel to realize you've been shortsheeting your own bed for years
But then I remember I don't need to wonder. I know.
There'd be a sense of freedom
mixed with grief over all those nights of kicking the blankets

Has anyone else noticed that whenever they play "Fast Times At Ridgemont High" on commercial television, they cut out all the sex scenes and insert an upsetting abortion scene that wasn't in the theatrical version? Just wondering.

Tonight I'm having dinner with Michael Dukakis...along with 30 other people. My favorite quote from Dukakis during the 1988 presidential campaign was,

"They say I'm dispassionate. That doesn't effect me one way or the other. They say I'm arrogant. But I know better. They say I'm a technocrat. But only 15%!"

I thought he should have gotten elected based on his skill at hiring joke-writers alone. But then again, I also love Belgian Endive.

Went to see my former jiu jitsu teacher, Vitor Belfort, fight in the UFC in Las Vegas. It was possibly the shortest fight in UFC history because Vitor landed a punch that cut Randy Couture's lower eyelid. The referee stopped the fight because of the blood in his eye. So, Vitor won.

I was sad to read on the web that the T-shirt Vitor was wearing had a picture of his sister because she's gone missing in Brazil.

I think I need jiu jitsu in my life again.

Yesterday my vagina fell asleep. Does this ever happen to you?

Peter, the founder of the company I've worked for for 8+ years is leaving today. I'm not sure if it's voluntary or not. Peter is a cool dude. He's a poet who ended up running a corporation, then giving up control to a CEO-bot that was supposed to be better at "growing the company." Our sweet little startup that had the philosophy "as few rules as possible" became an uptight place with a dress code. Years ago Peter encouraged a flurry of haiku contests where people anonymously taped haikus all over the hallways. This is despite the fact that the haikus were not always expressing joyful sentiments about the workplace. I'm sure taping 30 poems to the wall complaining about network problems, rude customers, and general angst would be a reason for disciplinary action now. Nevertheless I left this hanging outside Peter's office.

Haiku for Peter
Thank you for having a soul
Infotrieve loves ya

Fady

You ask me if I'm a cynical person
and I realize I don’t know the meaning of the word
and have to look it up in the dictionary
same as captious
marked by an often ill-natured inclination to stress faults and raise objections
contemptuously distrustful of human nature and motives
Okay then

Broken Bicycles

Broken bicycles,
Old busted chains,
With busted handle bars
Out in the rain.
Somebody must
Have an orphanage for
All these things that nobody
Wants any more
September's reminding July
It's time to be saying good-bye.

Summer is gone,
Our love will remain.
Like old broken bicycles
Out in the rain.

Broken Bicycles,
Don't tell my folks;
There's all those playing cards
Pinned to the spokes,
Laid down like skeletons
out on the lawn.
The wheels won't turn
When the other has gone.
The seasons can turn on a dime,
Somehow I forget every time;
For all the things that you've given me
Will always stay
Broken, but I'll never throw them away

--Tom Waits

I made this deal with the universe a while back that if Danilo could be made to walk again, I'd be so happy, I'd quit being gloomy forever. If it pans out, I'm not sure how the hell I’m going to keep up my end of it.

The Fergie-dog Haiku Series

A motto for dogs
"Forget about being petted,
If you roll in shit"

Yes! Dead grass, debris
At construction site, no cares
Ideal shit venue

Merrily wagging
The Ook'em Snook'em Poobot
Tramples the flowers

Expert detective
Fergie is sniffing for clues
Great Shit Mystery

I'm just going to say it.

Rest in peace, Spalding Gray. I'll miss you.

More Yankee Cryptozoology

I was combing through "Yankee Talk: A Dictionary of New England Expressions" by Robert Hendrickson again and was surprised to find I overlooked three mythical animal listings. Here they are:

Filliloo bird -An imaginary bird of Maine fables that flies backward to see where it's been or to keep the wind out of its face.

Glauackus - The name of an imaginary monster first reported in Connecticut in 1939, when a wire service story told of a mysterious beast variously resembling a lion, panther or boar, among all sorts of descriptions, that terrified the people of Glastonbury. It has been sighted since by all sorts of people except skeptics.

Witherlick - A mythical animal of the lumber camps

No globsters listed. Aren't you glad we straightened this out?

Regarding yesterday's post, I bet you didn't know Maggie was a Zen Master, did you?

Mun: Is it hot or cold outside?

Maggie: Both.

Idea for a bad advertising campaign

Why just sit shiva? Sit Chivas Regal!

Hummmmmmmmmmmmm

Mr. Rubin is rotating the ice cube trays in heaven now.