There is a library patron who comes in every day who mostly reads about bees and silkworms. Every day he asks me a meandering nonsensical question. At first, I felt bad and wondered if the language barrier was the problem (he comes from Guatemala), but today he asked me an incomprehensible question and then, to help me understand what he was asking, wrote the question down only what he wrote down was yet another group of non-sequiters strung together that made no sense and bore little resemblance to the question he formulated verbally.

"if C.E.O. is philosophy or teacher with wearing red neck tye [sic] belong to Federal Government?"

I realize now it is not the language barrier. He is looney tunes.

Mun Mun's Law

If you put on your socks but not your shoes to avoid waking up a sleeping baby, as you are getting ready to leave the house, you will step in cat vomit.

Audiobooks I wish I had

Why didn't anyone convince Hubert Selby Jr. to record audio-books of his work. He had the greatest voice. Damn.

Mun Mun ahead of the fashion curve as usual ;)

According to Mun Mun, it is now cool to wear Christmas socks all year round.

Wish Fulfillment

Long before I had my baby, I fantasized about dressing my future child up in one of those cute pea pod costumes for Halloween. Yesterday TK and I bought a pea pod outfit at Babies R Us!

Screaming

For some reason lately every night I scream in my sleep from a nightmare and TK has to wake me up. Only the nightmares are getting dumber and dumber. The last one was so, dumb after I told TK what it was about (it involved discovering that I was lying on a very dirty bed), he joked that he wasn't going to bother waking me up any more.

Big and tall

I bought my dad some underwear at Casual Male the other day. They really need to stock more boxers that don't have beer or rum emblems on them. These are the other major categories of underwear at Casual Male: Satanic, Pink Floyd, poker chips.

Mun Mun ponders

If Weird Al Yankovic had been born German, would all his lyrics be about poop rather than food?

Best reference question this week

A man came up to the desk yesterday and said, "I want books on hacking...because I'm going to be hacking the Martians." I proceeded to read him the titles of books on network security from our library catalog and he shushed me. I guess they were listening.

Misadventures

Mun Mun has never tried cocaine, but Mun Mun thinks she'd like to one day. I'll probably wait until I retire though. Remind me after 65.

Mun Mun has not had much success with illicit drug use. The first and last time Mun Mun tried to take a bong hit, she immediately threw up into her hands.

Mun Mun is real smooth.

Latest baby nightmare

Killer bee attack this time. Thankfully TK woke me up after weakly shouting, "Help, help!" in my sleep.

I love MacDougal's new ice coffees - synthesized goodness

In the movie, Time After Time, H.G. Wells travels with a time machine into the future where he ends up eating at MacDonalds. However, he refers to the fast food joint as "that Scottish place," "MacDougals." So, I like to call it MacDougal's as well. Won't you do the same?

Samurai Sam's register

Confidential to the flirty African-American gent manning a fast food counter in the Arco plaza

When you offered light or dark meat, my selection of dark meat wasn't code for "...like my men." I merely like to choose the least healthy option possible.

(Nothing against men of color, but I AM wearing a wedding ring) Hee hee.

Like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic

The other day a man came into the library looking for an issue of Popular Woodworking that had an article with the exact specifications of the actual deck chairs on the Titanic. It didn't occur to me until later that there is a commonly used simile "like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic" to describe a hair-brained or fruitless attempt at improving a situation.

I guess those editors at Popular Woodworking have a sense of humor.

Gregnog

I discovered this cartoonist Greg Nog through a funny Uncle Shelby-esque Metafilter post he did. I really like his comics about working at the Olive Garden.

Baby digs it: she's an angel

When I was pregnant, TK and I watched a documentary about the band, They Might Be Giants, and I thought the baby started dancing in the womb. Now she's 4 months old and she still really responds to their music.

Chub

I took my baby to a party the other day and this woman had a cute nickname for those Michelin-man like extra baby upper-thigh creases. Damn, what was it?

Nightmares

Now that I have a baby, I have nightmares about bad things happening to her. So far in my dreams she's been torched, drowned, and kidnapped. Ugh.

Sugar Binge

I was on a strict diet for gestational diabetes for 9 months and have been catching up on my unhealthy eating since giving birth. Some of the items I'd been missing: Thai ice coffee, See's candy, Jack in the Box milkshakes, peanut-butter-and-chocolate ice cream, frappucinos. I still have not had an ice cream sundae though. Nor have I had a donut. I've got to get on that.

When you're hiccupping, no one can hear you scream

It's kind of funny when my baby wants to cry at the top of her lungs, but the hiccups interrupt her. (She has a lot of gas pain these days; We aren't beating her or anything)

Veruca Salt's Golden Goose Song Lyrics from Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Gooses, geeses
I want my geese to lay gold eggs for Easter
(It will sweetheart)
At least a hundred a day
(Anything you say)
And by the way
(What?)
I want a feast
(You ate before you came to the factory)
I want a bean feast
(Oh, one of those)
Cream buns and doughnuts and fruitcake with no nuts so good you could go nuts
(You can have all those things when you get home)
No now

I want a ball
I want a party
Pink macaroons and a million balloons and performing baboons
And give it to me now

I want the world
I want the whole world
I want to lock it all up in my pocket
It's my bar of chocolate
Give it to me now

I want a today
I want tomorrow
I want to wear 'em like braids in my hair and I don't want to share 'em

I want a party with room-fulls of laughter
Ten thousand tons of ice cream
And if I don't get the things I am after
I'm going to scream

I want the works
I want the whole works
Presents and prizes and sweets and surprises
Of all shapes and sizes and now

Don't care how I want it now
Don't care how I want it now

Breastfeeding blues / Weirdass shit

Not much time to blog with a newborn in the house. Today one of my breasts hurt a lot and I thought it was just engorged. Then, I read up on blocked milk ducts and mastitis and I think it was just a blocked milk duct. I put hot towels on it and actually felt something pop inside. It felt better afterwards.

I would like to blog about my labor and stuff, but don't know if I'll get to it. Maybe you readers are better off.

Blessed

The past eleven days have been challenging, but I'm so happy to have given birth to an adorable little girl and we are both doing well. The past few days have not been so kind to others I know. I just learned Richard Sandman, a friend of my sister's, passed away. So sad! He was very young.

My luxurious vacation / maternity leave

Gigantic baby is pushing my insides. Help.

The Art of Bret Falk

I get quite a few hits on this blog from people searching for Bret Falk. Bret passed away in 2006, but if you have a yen to revisit his artwork, his brother, Steve, put together a book Bob Hope Is Dead: The Collected Works of Bret Falk. Check it out, yo.

An Easter Wish

I hope this trend of manufacturing stuffed animals dressed up as other stuffed animals never ends.

Mademoiselle, Sing, Sing, Sing!

My good friend, Renee LaMour, has another big production of her musical, "Mademoiselle, Sing, Sing, Sing!" coming up on February 23rd at the Wilshire Ebell Theater. Check it out, man!

God I fuckin love the in'ernet

I had a nice, but loony roommate quite a few years back, who went to live with a relative and left me all her kitchen stuff, including a pretty set of everyday Blue Delft china. TK has been slowly busting all the salad plates. (He doesn't think I notice that they keep disappearing and we're down to two.) I guess that's what happens when you have hardwood floors.

It took me exactly 4 searches in Google and eBay to locate a vendor that sells replacement china in this pattern and I just ordered some. I am so stoked. In the olden days, we would have had to put up with mismatched plates!

[Confidential to TK: I still love you, butterfingers]

General whininess

So, during the first three and a half months of pregnancy, I only had the energy (barely) to go to work, come home, and lie around. Now at 4 and a half months, I have just enough energy to feel frustrated and bored with myself about it.

I guess this complete listlessness and oversleeping has paid off in that I haven't gotten any colds or flus since getting knocked up. Due to gestational diabetes, I don't eat anything sugary anymore. I once read that too much sugar makes one susceptible to infections. So, maybe going off sugar is helping me stay healthy. (Knock wood) If I do get sick, I won't be able to take any OTC medicines for it. So, I'm trying my hardest to avoid getting run down.

I'm on this horribly strict diet for the diabetes. On this diet you get to eat minuscule amounts of fruit. On this diet, it feels like eating fruit is like a treat. But fruit is not a fucking treat. A Starbucks peppermint mocha frappuchino is a fucking treat.