Greeting cards

Several years ago, my friend, Randy, had an idea for a series of greeting cards that he called "Get Bent" cards to mark the more mundane events in life. His were infinitely more funny than mine, but here are the ones I came up with. (The first line is the front of the card and the second line is the inside of the card)

Friendship/Relationship cards

You know how you always accuse me of being condescending?
-----------------------You're completely wrong as usual.

I'm holding your CD's hostage
-----------------------Submit to my demands or else.

Was that something guys just have to say?
-----------------------I don't need this shit.

Quit playing hard to get!
-----------------------I'm good enough for the likes of you.

You talk the talk...
-----------------------But do you fuck the fuck?

Okay, here's the plan...
-----------------------Do what I tell you to do.

I was going to wait until something interesting happened with my life before contacting you again...
-----------------------But that never happened

You're a great talent!
-----------------------Too bad you're such a mediocre human being.

You know Sam Kinison's famous oral sex technique of spelling the alphabet with his tongue?
-----------------------I want you to do differential equations on me.

Interracial romance

Hey, I don't care if you're black
-----------------------Come on over and bust up this here chiffarobe

To Old Boyfriend/Girlfriend

I'm confused...
-----------------------Why would anybody want to marry you?

It's a good thing you moved away
-----------------------'Cos I feel like spitting in your fucking face.

Workplace

So, here's the thing...
-----------------------We're hoping you retire early

Family

Do what I asked you before I end up back in the hospital
-----------------------This is what is known as a guilt trip.

Holidays

My dick is kosher.
-----------------------Are you inviting me to your seder?