Greeting cards

Several years ago, my friend, Randy, had an idea for a series of greeting cards that he called "Get Bent" cards to mark the more mundane events in life. His were infinitely more funny than mine, but here are the ones I came up with. (The first line is the front of the card and the second line is the inside of the card)

Friendship/Relationship cards

You know how you always accuse me of being condescending?
-----------------------You're completely wrong as usual.

I'm holding your CD's hostage
-----------------------Submit to my demands or else.

Was that something guys just have to say?
-----------------------I don't need this shit.

Quit playing hard to get!
-----------------------I'm good enough for the likes of you.

You talk the talk...
-----------------------But do you fuck the fuck?

Okay, here's the plan...
-----------------------Do what I tell you to do.

I was going to wait until something interesting happened with my life before contacting you again...
-----------------------But that never happened

You're a great talent!
-----------------------Too bad you're such a mediocre human being.

You know Sam Kinison's famous oral sex technique of spelling the alphabet with his tongue?
-----------------------I want you to do differential equations on me.

Interracial romance

Hey, I don't care if you're black
-----------------------Come on over and bust up this here chiffarobe

To Old Boyfriend/Girlfriend

I'm confused...
-----------------------Why would anybody want to marry you?

It's a good thing you moved away
-----------------------'Cos I feel like spitting in your fucking face.

Workplace

So, here's the thing...
-----------------------We're hoping you retire early

Family

Do what I asked you before I end up back in the hospital
-----------------------This is what is known as a guilt trip.

Holidays

My dick is kosher.
-----------------------Are you inviting me to your seder?

In the things-my-parents-got-right department...

1.I retrieved my baby-book from deep under the bed to look up my time of birth, so a friend could do my star chart. Noticed I was vaccinated for small pox back in 1969. Hurray. I thought I wasn't vaccinated and was convinced I'd be the 1 out of 100 who'd die from the vaccine if I had to get it. Kudos to Mommy for keeping track of this kind of junk.

2.My dad was right about Golden Toe socks. They're comfy and they last and last. I don't think they sell them to women, but I have a pair of my dad's that got mixed up in my laundry long ago. Must go to the mens section of dept. store...

I'm starting to like General Clark, but has anyone else noticed that, during debates, he hardly ever blinks?

I watched him press the flesh in New Hampshire on C-Span the other day. Sometimes you couldn't hear what people in the crowd were asking him. He used the phrase "beat the shit out of him" to answer somebody. It made me feel all fuzzy inside.

Merry Solstice, sports-fans. The following is an email exchange between me and my friend Tim M. circa 1994. I still find some of Tim's insults amusing...

Tim: I read that article on "Multiculturalism: The New Racism" that you copied for me. I'm not sure where to start. I guess I didn't find it as inane as you did; just kind of alarmist and shrill in tone. I do think Multiculturalism is a topic and situation to take seriously and I think some of its credos have been accepted without the proper amount of examination and questioning.

Mun: Alarmist and shrill are good adjectives. I don't see multiculturalism as needing to be attacked. If it's an ideology, it's one of inclusion, not exclusion as the article suggests. The scenarios that writer presented were really unlikely. I've never read any multiculturalism manifesto. I thought that article was such bullshit.

Tim: Actually Multiculturalism has had a big impact on campus here and elsewhere.

Mun: I see it more as a trend than a movement. Where does the ideology come from? I think it's more a factor of groups wanting to be represented and making their voices heard than those at the top actively wanting to have those groups represented and making a multicultural policy.

Tim: On campuses and in the arts multiculturalism is well represented . Policies are changing for sure because of it--I'm sure you would say for the better, but I think much of it is debatable. Multiculturism is the norm in many ways. Anyway who wants to debate: you're just a weasly Jewish American Princess anyways.

Mun: Yeah, who wants to debate Mr. Mick Wonderbread.

Tim: Look who's talking Ms. Heeb Finklestein

Mun: Mr. O'Whitey.

Tim: Ms. Feminazi Israelite.

Mun: Mr. Eurocentric Potato Eater.

Tim: Ms. New Age Zionite

Mun: Mr. Bag Pipe Playin' Gentilophile

Tim: Ms. Kosher Korrect

Mun: Mr. Goy Toy

Tim: Semitic bitch

Mun: Oversized leprechaun

Tim: Simple minded Goldstein

Mun: Overprivileged Trojan

Tim: Underprivileged no class, can't pay your stinkin' bills Bruin

Mun: Pastey-faced, hunt-and-peck loafer

Tim: Jelly fish, 'gina drippin, slut faced Sheba

Mun: Smegma oozin, bicep droopin stud puppy

Tim: Yeast fermentin', blood drippin' , let's make the whole damn country Ellis Island Red

Mun: Caucasoid Floyd

Tim: Ms. Jerusalem 1994, Dawning of the Age of Aquarious Neo-Liberal Natch!

Mun: Mr. Guinnness-sippin' Disney Robot

Tim: Ms. Utopia-dreamin wet-back-luvin', can't take your own side in an argument Leftie!

Mun: UberWasp

Tim: Heimifemme!

Mun: Yid-hatin, scrotum-totin' vanilla-head!

Tim: Estrogen-packed, foreigner-lovin' jewqueen!

Mun: Mr. Country-Clubbin, Four-Leaf-Clover-wearin' Anglo-rot

Tim: Ms. Knee-jerk, let-all-the-immigrants-in, luv-em-all Shylockess!

Mun: Mr. Knee-high-socks-with stripes, blue veined, button nosed lime-head.

Tim: Ms. Folklore, working-man, proletariet, masses-upliftin', can't we all get along Comrade!

Mun: Mr. William F. Buckley-quotin', genocide-promotin', tax-loophole-findin', gold-watch-windin', white-wine-sippin', painted-toenail-clippin', leech to society

Tim: Oliver-Stone-acolyte, Edward-Kennedy's luv mama, George McGovern praisin', Yassar-Arafat-huggin' , Jew-traitor

Mun: Martin-Luther-King-snipin', In the closet , Barry Goldwater's asshole buddy.

Tim: Justice Blackmun's sugar baby

Mun: Elizabeth Dole's luv papa

Tim: Christopher Dodd's mooch pooch

Mun: Orrin Hatch's honey-pie

Tim: Knee jerk, card carryin' Ted Kennedy-luvin', Noam Chomsky supportin' Yentl

Mun: General Westmoreland-kissin’, crimson-necked war monger

Tim: Gore Vidal admirin', abortion a week whorin', limp-backed bull dyke

Mun: National Review subscribin', Fish on Fridays, rosary-fondlin' chicken Hawk

Tim: Tikkun-browsin, veggie eatin', Sierra hikin', dirt-bike hatin', PC believin' Trotskyite

Mun: Steroid poppin', middle-name-is-Rush Peckerhead

Tim: Limp wristed, flag burning, date rape victim, flower child West Banker

Mun: Farmer's tan, starch collared, detail oriented little Mr. Perfect

Tim: No morals, no standards, everything is beautiful, dill-flavored Cunt

Mun: Gray templed, mother-datin' muff suckin’ lunk

Tim: Black-luvin, Wop-luvin, dyke-luvin, Wet-Back-luvin, luv all the foreigners and want to go to bed with them all Jewess Ho

Mun: Fruit of the Loom wearin', toy gun manufacturin' wet nightmare

Tim: No briefs at all, hairy arm pits, gypsey maven PINKO

Mun: Homeless slightin’, fancy pasta bitin', herpes-blightin' Boys Club member

Tim: Bitch!

When I was a kid, sometimes I'd look at a restaurant menu and order a huge meal that I wouldn't be able to finish. My father would say, "Your eyes are too big for your stomach."

Sometimes I think my eyes are too big for my whole body.

Segalit works in the evidence room at a police station. She's my only friend who can say things like, "Wednesday's no good. It's the only day I do fingerprinting. Thursday we destroy the drugs. Friday we deposit the money and melt the guns."