I am tortured by dreams of you having way more fun than me at the Malibu Colony frolicking in the waves with Jim Carey and Adam Sandler.

PMS is unfuckingbelievable today. Jesus Shit!

I am a Gorgon and I only eat gorganic.

A hefty, middle-aged woman lumbered out of a new VW Beetle in the parking lot, so I said, "Sorry, only cute, petite Asian women are allowed to drive those."

I'm nearly 42 years old and my skin is breaking out like a motherfucker. I hope the eventual onset of menopause will take care of this. Something to look forward to.

Unter Brüdern

Library patron is "shocked" that we don't own the autobiography of two Ukrainian boxing champion brothers with PhDs written in GERMAN.

I am bleeding like a stuck pig.

Fantasy

Today
Kid (pointing to my daughter): "I can see her diaper."
Me: "I can see your ugly face."

Tomorrow
Kid (to daughter): "Your mom is old."
Daughter: "Your mom is a whore."

Things I never thought I'd have to say to anyone repeatedly before I became a parent

Get your finger out of my nose.
Could you get your foot out of my vagina?

What does Mun Mun have to say? Not much. Mun Mun is meditating on some themes:

We're more alike than we are different
All kinds of people make the world go 'round
Substance over form
No risk, no payoff

What else matters to Mun Mun? What???